Last night I was in the kitchen to prepare dinner, then I started by imaging it was a late night, that everyone was finally asleep, and that I wished I was too. My brain was overloaded with numerous thoughts and conflicts. I was quite thirsty to get out of these unsolved issues. I imagined that I’d spent the day strolling around the city and where I used to sit down near the Lahn river which passes through the Marburg city and did nothing.
I lost myself, I lost originality, and I lost one side of my face was accumulated with happiness, then who I am? Why I was like this? But if people visits my Facebook timeline they might be thinking, “I’m one of the luckiest people in the world, enjoying the nature, visiting beautiful places, colorful pictures etc…” then definitely my smile fades away.
There are innumerable aspects to consider in my personal life, where nobody knows about it including family members. There are so many unheard stories about me. If I reveal those, everyone may wonder that how I was struggling to solve those puzzling tasks. Here I listed one of the major issues in my life.
Claustrophobia: One of the painful distress to me that I experience every day. I am suffering by this from my childhood but still my parents don’t know that I have this. The actual symptoms of this fear is lack of ability to spend alone in closed places. I feel running out of oxygen when I was confined to closed places i.e. using elevator, small room without windows etc. It scares me that the light illuminates passed my face and into my brain made up of quick translations.
When I look back to my past experiences, I felt like I screwed up with this Phobia, here are the few examples of how I feel irritated about this.
When I was entering NIT Warangal, I got a room which was located on the 7th Floor. I shared my situation clearly with warden and I expressed my wish to change the room in order to avoid using elevator but she gave me a rigid answer. Finally, I adjusted with that room but how can I choose steps every time instead of the elevator and when I walked up the stairs to my room, sadness started again because the elevator is near to my room.
Shopping Malls: If we are planning to buy something, obviously we might have to invest a bit effectively in showrooms. Because effective use of actions in visuals stay in mind for long and that’s what we want. I never entered into trailer room in showrooms, because it is a closed place. If I want to buy clothes I will buy without trail and I am lucky enough in this point of view that I can choose best and fitted one by imagine without trail.
First time I was traveling to Germany, I never get into an Airplane before. The day arrived and have to travel for doctoral research in Germany. I was at Rajiv Gandhi International Airport and my family members were there to give me send off. I was waiting for boarding and looking at my watch impatiently. Then suddenly I started thinking about how can I get on a plane, I am alone, of course other passengers were there but still, I can’t explain my situation. Just imagine…
Not only these, there are so many issues associated with the phobia. At last, I thought why can’t I consult Psychologist to overcome the fear. I tried, but the doctor asked me several questions.
Does your mom or dad have this phobia?
Anyone abused when you were a child?
Anyone kidnapped you and kept in a closed room?
Goes on…he gave 10 mins to memorize childhood and analyze it more. I sat down and listing one by one. My parents, they don’t have this phobia, nobody kidnapped me, I was a desperate child, I was thinking…then suddenly I realized the actual understanding of the phobia. I approached the doctor and he asked me what’s your answer?
“I have been swimming against the tide for many years”
I was explained to him when I was an independent child, but I afraid of small things like touching landline, TV, etc…it is related to electronic gadgets. When I was studying 10th standard the first time I touched landline for communication. But still, I can’t enter into the ATM room, people may laugh at this but few of my friends knows about it.
He asked me, are you staying alone in Germany? Of course, I said. He was hesitated to ask, what about during night time? I didn’t understand, asked him to repeat it. If you are afraid of all these things how can you sleep in the dark? I never switch off the light during night time I said.
He asked another question, what inspired you to come here to Germany alone? I gave a straightforward answer is Ph.D. He smiled, ok dear Meena, you are afraid of electronic gadgets along with claustrophobia, I never heard and read anywhere this kind of problem. But I could you explain when you entered a closed room, there is a chemical in your brain start thinking that you are in a dangerous place and you couldn’t come out.
I interrupted his discussion and asked him that what is the chemical? Your thinking, your stress, your happiness, your burden, your sorrows etc…How could all these factors influence on that chemical, I asked? Dear Meena, try to understand the logic. What is certain, however, is that you do have something others don’t. Something that makes you unique. My face went blank. What did he say? Unique means what? I approached him to solve my distress pain, but he gave me a puzzling answer. At last, I decided to leave that place, because he couldn’t explain in a better way. Thanks for your time, I said. Have a nice day!
I left the room and started thinking about that chemical. All these questions stay in mind for long. But I was greatly humiliated by everyone, why can’t they help me instead of a comment. Because they never understand that the behavior of claustrophobia people.
“People intentionally create excuses to escape from the situation If I did the same my life become like a waste paper”
When I was thinking to apply Ph.D. in abroad, I didn’t memorize my phobia, of course, it’s an excuse to stop forcefully myself to start. I know that nobody will come with me, I have to take care of my self or I have to leave my ambitions. Not only these, there are so many things to consider but in life don’t make an excuse to escape from the problem. Try to understand the actual situation and don’t hurt anyone badly because of your convenience. I will continue the second part. Thanks!